See what it’s like to be part of UIC’s leading satire publication, The Asterisk! Directed and produced in house by our own talented crew of creative specialists.
‘Twas the night before Finals, when at UIC
Every student was cramming at Daley Lib’ry
The textbooks were open to chapt’r 1 with care,
In hopes that comprehension soon would be there;
The freshmen were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of 4.0s danced in their heads;
My lab partner in sweatpants, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a two minute nap,
When out on the quad there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the lobby I flew like a flash,
Through revolving doors, I continued to dash.
The moon’s reflection off the crumbling concrete
Was as eerie as any forsaken old street,
When, what to my drowsy gaze should I reach,
But a teaching assistant, who could actu’lly teach!
When I had realized who he was, boy was I glad,
For I knew he could answer the questions I had.
More rapid than eagles the courses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Orgo! now, English! now, Bio and Physics!
On, P-Chem! on, A-Chem! on, Anthro and Business!
To the top of the curve! to the top of the class!
Now memorize! memorize! Then you will pass!
With a promise like that, it was my lucky night,
With his help I knew I’d pass my final alright.
Then o’er to SES the TA he flew,
With handfuls of study guides, and practice tests too.
So I followed, hoping that he would help me,
Up the steps I went, ent’ring the SLC.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the hallway The TA came with a bound.
He had packets and handouts and answer sheets too,
And he said, “take a seat, and I’ll teach it to you”
To a whiteboard he went, then laid down his pack,
And beginning to explain, he then turned his back.
His explanations—they made sense! his diagrams how concise!
His tips were so good, I wrote down all his advice!
He covered it all, taught it from A to Z,
And he made it just as simple as it could be!
With a stump of a pencil held tight in his hand,
He clarified concepts I didn’t understand.
He told me ev’rything I needed to know,
And after each probl’m, I felt my confidence grow.
His mnemonic device: RITE JOLLEE OLD ELLF
Made me laugh when I heard it, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
I spoke not a word, but went straight back to work,
Filled out his study guide then turned with a jerk.
He said he was leaving, that I’d be alright,
There were more students who needed help that night.
He sprang onto his bike, peddling with a whistle
And ‘cross campus he rushed like the down of a thistle,
But I heard him shout out, ere he drove on his way,
“Happy Finals to all, and a high GPA.”
The Asterisk Shirt Committee is at it again! They’re looking for designs and ideas for The Asterisk’s 2012-2013 shirt promotion. Think you have what it takes to design a funny, witty, satirical t-shirt? Then enter the T-Shirt Design Contest. Last year’s “Flames Football” design sold over 120 shirts. With your great design, there’s no telling how many shirts we can sell!
Simply send your design or detailed idea to email@example.com before December 31st. If your design is chosen by the committee, you’ll win a free t-shirt in your size and the recognition for designing an Asterisk T-Shirt! Don’t miss out on this great opportunity. Remember, excellent shirt designs will have campus-wide appeal, so please no inside jokes.